If you thought the ultra-wealthy had already outsourced everything possible, think again. Professional baby naming has arrived, and it'll cost you up to $30,000 for the privilege of having someone else christen your heir.

Taylor A. Humphrey, a 37-year-old with a background in branding and marketing, has turned an unusual obsession into a thriving luxury service. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, she's charging expectant parents five figures to solve what might be parenthood's first genuinely stressful decision.

"There's a lot more to this job than people realize," Humphrey told the Chronicle, explaining that she sometimes receives "calls from clients that are so urgent that I need to drop everything and help them right away." Because apparently, baby name emergencies are a thing now.

When a Side Hustle Becomes a Status Symbol

Humphrey's journey into professional nomenclature started modestly. Back in 2020, according to the Chronicle, she helped name over 100 babies at a comparatively reasonable $1,500 per child. Fast forward to today, and she's built a six-figure social media following and a portfolio of over 500 named children. Her premium "VIP" package now starts at $10,000 and can reach that eye-watering $30,000 mark.

So what exactly does thirty grand buy you? More than just a list of names scrawled on fancy stationery. Humphrey's deluxe offering includes "baby name branding," genealogical research diving into the family tree, and even insights from a think tank assembled to weigh the options. The goal her clients typically chase is paradoxical by nature: a name that's unique but not strange, simple but not basic, on-trend but not too trendy.

It's the kind of impossible brief that only makes sense in a world where everything, including your newborn's identity, can be optimized and branded from day one.

The Economics of Identity

Humphrey acknowledges the absurdity. "It's a little embarrassing when you get made fun of on the internet," she told the Chronicle. "At the same time, I'm like, 'Well, it is silly.' I come up with baby names for a living."

But here's the thing: silly or not, there's a market. And that market reflects something deeper about extreme wealth. In an economy where personal branding starts before preschool, a child's name isn't just what you yell across the playground. It's their foundational asset, the cornerstone of their future personal brand.

Viewed through that lens, hiring a branding expert to manage this "asset" carries the same strategic logic as hiring a financial planner. Both are investments in a potentially lucrative future. Whether that justifies the price tag is another question entirely, but when you're operating at this wealth level, thirty thousand dollars might just be the cost of peace of mind—or at least a name that won't get mocked on the internet.